CHAPTER 9

“For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that everyone of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God” (I Thes. 4:3-5)

A young Christian brother visited the house of his leader just to see the wife and kids, while the leader was away to Bible School for training in preparation for the ministry. When he arrived, he knocked the door and the woman of the house asked him to come in. When he entered, he saw the wife of his leader naked, only trying to put on or pull off her pant. She beckoned to him to come closer, but he refused and went out and ran away. Later, she never mentioned it and he too stopped going there again until the leader returned. The young Christian brother refuse to be defiled because he believed that men must be strong enough to maintain sexual purity in their lives and leadership.

Throughout this book, I've recollect, enumerate and recall several perversion by men and leaders, but I stand to say here in this last chapter that all is not bad news. Like the story above, there are men and women that are standing strong for the Lord and on the side of sexual purity. I know of many young people who are virgin until they married and many others are coming up. I know of many leaders who are keeping themselves pure for the Lord, despite intense pressures.

This chapter is written purposefully for men who are leaders, though women are not left out. I'm of the high opinion that men are the aggressor when it comes to sex. If men can be real men of sexual purity, then the incidents of sexual pervasion in leadership will be reduced greatly to the barest minimum. Before going into principles that will help men to be pure and holy in this area, let me first examine something crucial.

Your Relationship with the Opposite Sex

Real men cannot achieve or maintain sexual purity if they don't define their relationship with the opposite sex. Because most sexual escapades started in form of casual friendship, which eventually grow into mounting sexual overtures from either the man or woman. Relationship is a powerful avenue through which we build trust, shape character and bargain for mutual love, confidence and understanding with other people. A good relationship will always be an asset to you, your family and ministry. But a relationship that is not properly defined from the onset will always bring sorrow, agony, pain, frustration, regret, condemnation and even death.

A relationship with the opposite sex, in this case - a woman, that is well defined will ease off unnecessary sexual pressure, feelings, motivation, overtures, clandestine moves and eventual sin.

In the first instance, an emotional relationship can start between you and a woman when you share secret gems with each other. You become close confidant and you hear and know deep things about her. You show understanding, love, empathy and care. You are now free with each other and before you know it, it will lead to sexual relationship that will spiral out of control and ruin what you have laboured to build for years.

In the second instance, a financial relationship can ensue between you and a woman when you give gifts, assistance and financial support to a woman for one reason or the other, purely on helping capacity. But without clear line of demarcation of where that help starts and ends, you will find yourself in each other's arms in bed.

In the third instance, there can be sexual relationship between a man and a woman who are colleagues and associates in the office. It may start as a working relationship, but once they see each day and work long hours together, a spark can be ignited through a harmless comment or touch and regular sex will be the outcome. This is the way many affairs, flings and extramarital affairs starts between a man and a woman, if clear lines of demarcation are not adhered to from onset.

In the final instance, there should be spiritual relationship between a man and a woman. This is the godly and biblical standard for relationships. Here, you are interested only in the spiritual well-being of the woman. Your discussion centered mostly around things of the kingdom of God . There is a clear line of demarcation and carefulness is maintained in word and deed.

I believe it is very possible to maintain sexual purity in relationship with a woman if we define our relationship clearly from the onset. This is what God have used to save me from many temptations in my long years of ministry. Sexual purity with a woman demands that you follow these guidelines religiously:-

* Don't discuss personal and intimate sexual experiences together

* Tell a woman what you don't want from the beginning

* Let her know that you will not tempt her, neither must she tempt you

* When she is crying or weeping, don't wrap your hands round her neck to console

* Avoid being alone with any woman who constantly express her interest in you

* Don't encourage her to talk derogatively of her husband, home and fiancée before you

* Carefully choose your emotional complementary language when appraising her

* Avoid holding personal vigils with her in your house or hers

* If you must give her gifts, be very selective and unsuggestive

* Stop admiring women contours and have intimate touch

* Stop the second and third look at scantly dressed women

* Be careful of the type of gifts you receive from her

* Don't ever talk of your wife's negative side before her

* Once you discover some funny feelings toward her, cut off the relationship before you find yourself in a soup

* Whenever you see your ex-girlfriend, don't renew the relationship beyond casual greetings

It may be tough, but men that want to be sexually pure must live by these principles. In fact, they should become creed of living for most men. 

How to Maintain Sexual Purity As a Man

Because sexual desire is God-given, you can't cast it out any more than you can cast out the demon of desiring food, the demon of wanting to sleep every night, or the ‘demon' of desire to use the bathroom every so often. If you pray for God to take away your sexual desire, you are wasting your time. The only way to be completely free of sexual desire is to CASTRATE yourself. But I bet, not many men can do that. Therefore, you'll have to know how to control it so as to remain free from perversion that is prevalent today. The temptation will always be there, but you can always overcome it by adhering to these principles:-

1. Celebrate Your Manhood

Some foolish and ungodly men celebrate their masculinity by sleeping around with as many women as possible. That is the attitude of Gentiles who doesn't know the Lord. Real men that know the Lord know and are aware of their sexuality, but they use it to glorify the Lord. They do that by remaining pure and waiting for marriage. It is not a sin to be fully complete in body and be a full blooded man, but it is a sin if we now use our masculinity to oppress and sexually harass the women folk.

2. Seek Freedom From Past Entanglements

You must repent and renounce your past sexual escapades sincerely. You must come to God for forgiveness of past sexual perversion. You must seek for deliverance from sexual addiction .The spirit of lust must be renounced and demonic bondage broken in your life. You will need to fast, pray sincerely and seek the face of the Lord in protracted prayer for freedom from demonic and occult bondage as a result of past sexual relationships. Curses over your life must be broken, which were contacted in the first place through sex with the wrong person.

3. Handle Your Body as the Temple of God

Dedicate your body to the Lord. Let your body be the temple of the Holy Spirit of God. Therefore, don't allow sin, evil and amorous dealings to take place your body. Unholy kiss, caressing, petting and necking must not take place there. Pray over and hold your vessel as holy unto the Lord.

“Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof. Neither yield ye your member as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin: but yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God” (Rom. 6:12-13).

Pray God to help you never to join your body with anyone who is not your lawful and godly wife. You know, God still answers prayer.

4. Have a Good Marriage

Real men are family men. They guard and guide their marriage and home jealously. They don't allow or give room to any intruder. Devote time to your spouse and seek sexual fulfilment from her. Be properly married and stay married. If you are single and you cannot contain yourself, pray and get married quickly, for it is better to marry than to burn. All the sexual fulfilment you'll ever need are designed by God to be experienced within your marriage.

So work to make your marriage a happy one. Determine to be the right partner for your spouse. Determine to make your marriage work and God will help you. Be contented with your wife and keep the fire of love burning in the home.

5. Maintain Self-Discipline Over Your Body

You must not allow your flesh to ruin and destroy you. Learn to keep your body under - saying No to the desire of the flesh. Don't let your body rule you. Deliberately deny your body of legitimate gratification to train it up. Say no to immoral thoughts and suggestions in your mind. Each victory will strengthen you for another victory. Learn to reject lust, fleshly desires and burning sensation in your system. You will not die but become strong by it, bye and bye. In the book of elders, it is written, “Since birds have learnt to fly without perching, hunters have also learnt to shoot without missing” Real men must be true example of that.

6. Real Men Work on their Character and Integrity

Godly men take time to ground themselves in the word of God. They don't joke with this sin, neither do they see how far they can go without falling with any woman. Real men always define their relationship with any woman in their working place, Church or ministry. Men will always have women in their lives. They have their mother, wife, sisters, daughters and associates. They must maintain integrity with these women. A real man must maintain godly character and integrity with women. He will not sexually molest and harass women under his care and leadership. That will be possible when men work continuously on their character and thereby live a life of integrity.

7. Real Men Run away from Stimulants and Appearances of Evil

Real men that want to be sexually pure and remain so must run away from stimulants. Strong wine, beer, cocaine, heroine and all these strong drinks arouses evil passion in men and they usually misbehave before they realise it.

These stimulants make men to lose their senses and make their sexual drive very high. Much sexual perversion came as results of strong influence of these stimulants. To be sexually pure, true men must run away and desist from touching these ungodly stimulants. Real men don't hang out with the boys carelessly in bars, clubs, restaurants, hotels, cinemas, parties and shows. Because these are veritable avenues for sexual impurities.

8. Real Men Close their Eyes from watching Pornography

Pornography gives room for the spirit of lust to overtake a man. Pornography makes men to rape their wives, maids and workers. Pornography attack the mind, senses and makes the body to react violently to sexual activity. Men must make a covenant with their eyes not to watch and dwell on pornography, either in pictures, film, video or in life shows by girls in streets through their scanty dresses. Unfortunately, we are also watching pornography in the Church today due to our silence concerning the scanty, revealing and immoral dressing of most ladies. Real men keep their heart, eyes and mind pure in the midst of these.

9. Real Men are Honest with their Fathers, Mentors and Friends About their Struggles

Real men are not afraid or ashamed to be honest with those that can help them to live a pure and God - glorifying life. They seek for help, assistance and answers to probing questions from them. Real men have good mentors, fathers and friends they maintain good and open relationship with. And this relationship always comes handy in helping them to live a pure life in this area.

10. Real Men don't keep bad Friend

# Show me your friend and I will tell you are;

# Run away from corrupt friends.

# Run away from ‘never -do-wells' in marriage.

# Run away from friends who have no value for their family

Watch the stuff your friend ia made-up of, and carefully drop him if he does not meet up with godly standard.

In conclusion, sexual purity is possible for every man if he can adhere by these godly, time - tested and proven principles of purity. They have worked for several men in the past, they will work for you today.

Finally, it remain to be said that no man can survive the onslaught of sexual pressure alone. Every man needs the friendship, love, prayers and encouragement of other men to remain sexually pure. That is why men's meetings should be encouraged in every Church, Community and Nation. Men, especially those in leadership positions must seek for constant encouragement they can only get from other men in men's meetings.

If you need such meetings to be organised for you or in your area, you can get in touch with us at: Men Matters Ministry 332, Abeokuta Expressway, Oke-Odo, Abule-Egba, Lagos . Tel: 234-08023000714, 08029744296. E-mail: akingrow@yahoo.com. Website: www.Churchgrowthafrica.org